Make you feel my love

I feel as though the scars of him stop me from going further.
I suppose its a defence mechanism, naturally on the basis of how things turned out with him.
Its been ages, but by now I know that its pointless to put a time limit on these hurts that I have
so dutifully held inside of me.
I know its out there, to find someone who will hold me tight the way they should, to find someone who understands what it means to care for someone.
But at the same time I don't believe in it.
I let him into this heart of mine, I let him inside these insecurities, I let him hold power over my vulnerability. Trust, faith, and heart, I gave it all.
But in return I had received nothing but dissatisfaction and bitterness.
And after all the mess, I let him walk all over me, because despite the transition from love to hate, I still let him into my heart.
Many times I tried to move on from him. I tried falling for someone out of my league, I tried falling for someone who seemed so complicated and fucked up in hopes that they would cover up my reality.
But nothing seemed to work.
I guess I can't say that Im still in love with him.
I don't know if I can even say I ever loved him either.
But how am I meant to describe such intensity of emotions?
I felt it all, I felt the love and I especially felt the fall.
And now, even now, when its been a fucking year and a half, I am still heartbroken.
Maybe its not related to him anymore, its not a personal thing anymore.
I wouldn't say I could still fall for him again given the chance.
But the experience broke me, and now I am more terrified than ever to let someone in.
Thats why I push people away. Thats why any guy who is interested in me, I automatically push away. I don't want to expose myself ever again.
I miss the bliss.
I miss the lack of awareness.
I can no more expect anything from people, and I can no longer take anything from anyone.
I don't want to risk being broken again.
Maybe its just the trauma of having my heart broken for the first time, but this fear sure seems to go a long way.
And the fact that I still let him into my life and let him crush me to pieces ever so often, shows me that I'm still not ready for anything again for a while.
I dont know what love is.
But there are types of love for sure.
And I know that what I experienced was something for sure.
It was intense, it was fiery, it was selfish, and it was ugly.
Too young, too reckless, and too thoughtless.
And its still branded on my heart as if to remind myself that I shouldn't get so cocky again, that
I can't expect anyone to love immediately like that.
And that hurts. That the scares the fucking shit out of me.
Maybe love isn't for me.
How can I trust anyone again?
I know that he was only one of the many billion types of people out there, but whats to say that the core of all humanity is different?
Maybe everyone, deep deep down, is the same.
Self-seeking, disregarding, guarded, and cruel.
And I'm just like them.
oh the tragedy. maybe Ill live alone.